I was pregnant with Calli during my last semester of nursing school and was completely submerged in the medical model of pregnancy and birth. The preparation I put into my first upcoming birth was probably just as much as any average first-time mama. I made up my birth plan based on ideas I found from Pinterest. Really, Pinterest? I wanted a natural birth and to avoid an epidural along with other interventions. Looking back did I really know what interventions would lead to a trickle effect? I put so much trust and belief in the hospital system. I even took a birth class with a local midwife who's known for providing autonomous birth support. I actually remember wanting to do a home birth just “not with my first baby, just in case”. I had a clinical midwife all through my pregnancy and had really great care with her actually. Our appointments were never cut short, we listened to baby with a doppler, she felt my belly and position of baby, and was always thorough and respectful when answering my questions. I also hired a doula through the clinic I had primary care through because it was offered to patients at no cost. I didn’t really know at that time what a doula was or really the benefit of having one, but I figured I’d give it a try since I wouldn’t be paying out of pocket. She was delightful and we met a few times to talk about my expectations and hopes for my birth and how she could help. All I really remember is her telling me about comfort measures and not so much about education on birth choices. Now that I’m a birth doula, I realize that my experience with this doula was not helpful during my prenatal care. This is why it is so important to interview multiple doulas to find the best fit for you but to also understand how each doula provides services.
Fast forward to about 40 weeks and my midwife asked if I wanted a membrane sweep. I don’t recall talking about risks or benefits just that it could induce labor. At that point I had taken and passed my NCLEX and was officially a Registered Nurse, so I was 100% ready to meet my baby girl. Turned out that I wasn’t dilated at all and was maybe 50% effaced so she wasn’t able to do a sweep. Looking back, I’m super, super thankful for that!
Around 41 weeks I woke up in the night to a couple of strong contractions that didn’t turn into labor at all but had gotten a small taste of what labor might be like. A couple days later I saw my midwife again and she had suggested getting an ultrasound to check on baby since I was “overdue”. Yuck, I hate that term. Again, I questioned nothing and followed my midwifes recommendations.
The ultrasound was on Friday and seemed to go fine, the technician didn’t really talk much and just did her thing to get it done. After the ultrasound my husband, his parents, and I went to the mall to walk around and see if we could encourage labor to start. I got a phone call while we were there that I was expecting, but not the information that I was about to receive. My midwife called to update me on the ultrasound report that baby was healthy, but she was in a breech position. Something I was not prepped for at all. My midwife went on to tell me that I would no longer be able to be in her care and that I needed to go have a consultation with an OB to either have an ECV or cesarean section. My heart dropped. I immediately felt devastated that my birth plans were being completely torn up. I was reassured from my husband and family that our baby was healthy and that’s all that mattered. In that moment, I might have I agreed with them. Now, I know that that is not right and that what matters is the health of the baby AND mother, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Over the next 36 hours I went through so many emotions and started to create a birth plan that would be cesarean focused. On Sunday, we met with the OB at our local hospital where we confirmed the breech position, again, and we went over our options. The OB made it seem like the ECV would be too risky and that it may not even work. Sort of gave us all the risks of that option and no benefits. Not full consent. Second option was a planned cesarean. From what I remember she made this option sound very appealing and what was safest for us because vaginal breech birth was absolutely out of the question and unsafe for our baby. I didn’t question her. She was the expert right? We decided to move forward with the cesarean thinking we’d be admitted and prepped for it that day since it would be so dangerous to have a breech baby, right? Nope. We were sent home and were told we’d get a call later that day from scheduling. Later on, when we finally got the call from scheduling, we were told they didn’t have anything available until Tuesday morning. We had to wait another 2 days and I would be going on 42 weeks.
Monday came and I actually went in to see my chiropractor who was somewhat, not really, helpful. She did my adjustment and gave me some tips to best heal from the cesarean to have a better chance at a VBAC down the road. Interesting, why don’t we have more ways of avoiding the primary or secondary cesareans in the first place? I was still in shock that my birth plan was completely altered. When I texted my doula of the change of plans, I actually never heard back from her, and we never got in touch again after that.
Tuesday morning came and it felt like Christmas! We were on our way to the hospital and were so excited to meet our baby! Even with all the emotions I felt those past few days, I was overwhelmed with the idea of finally having my baby in my arms and becoming a mother. Our admission was smooth, and we were completely ready for the operating room. Our family surrounded us and prayed before we left the birthing floor. We were wheeled down to operating room #7 where my husband was told he needed to wait outside while I got my spinal block. It wasn’t the worst experience but definitely not something I ever want to do again. Being hunched over while having contractions trying to stay as still as possible and being worried about my spinal failing was not ideal and created even more emotions.
We were ready. My husband returned, the music started, and the surgeons began their work. I asked my husband to bring his phone to document the process as much as possible. The feeling I had was indescribable. I felt excited because I was finally going to hold my baby, yet nervous because I felt like i had zero control in what was happening. The moment they told me they were about the pull her out I instantly started crying. My husband saw everything. First came her butt (my husband made a comment on how she looked just like me even though all they could see was her butt, hahah) and then they pulled the rest of her body out along with her head. The song 24k Magic by Bruno Mars was playing when she was born, I’ll never forget it. She cried almost immediately. They reached her up over the curtain to show me how much hair she had and how dark it was! Of course, just like her daddy. They delayed her cord clamping and brought her over to the warmer quickly to check her over and then brought her over to me a minute or two later. The most incredible moment ever. They laid her over my chest skin-to-skin and covered her with a blanket. I clearly remember them telling me that if my chest felt heavy or I needed a break that they would take her if needed. There was no way I was letting anyone take her from that point on. I kept her close from that moment on.
Looking back, on my experience I realize how different things could have been if I had known what I do now. As much as I’d like to go back and do things differently, I know that the experience of how she was born, has shaped me into the woman I am today. I was not the birth-obsessed, holistic, natural mama that I am now. Now I can take my experience and the knowledge I have to educate others and provide information to those who need it. First time mamas are so special to me, and I pray and hope for those mamas to arm themselves with information and to see their births as a normal event rather than a medical event.
